Superman Has No Dick!
Dickless Dick (47Kbyte) Scholars are in agreement that Superman Is A Dick and here is a classic example of the evidence. But look closely. Not only is The Man Of Steel acting like a Dick,   he clearly has none. Not convinced? Superman wears red trunks yet check any early panel or cover illustration of him and it is always the same: the Black Shading of Shame and no hint whatsoever of a SuperBulge. In later comics, the black shading is removed, and Superman is forced to draw attention up from his now clearer flatness with a ludicrous new hairdo.  

    This explains a lot . Though there are plenty of "imaginary" stories in which he fathers offspring with his imaginary dick; and alternative universe tales were his alternate be-dicked counterparts further the Jor El line; the best Superman can manage in this universe is to procreate with a mermaid and who knows what that entails? Perhaps she lays eggs and he fertilises with his supervision. He never marries Lois or Lana but does hook up with a cuntless fish-woman who isn't dissapointed by his empty lunch box. His acting like a dick stems from his deep seated supercomplex at being so decidedly un-Super in that one important area.

    It also puts a whole new perspective on his origins. How likely is it, really, that a species that can happily fly through vacuum would die out when their planet predictably explodes, choosing to save only a few babies and dogs in rocket ships? The idea that kryptonite is debris from the exploded planet Krypton has never been remotely credible. From the ammount of the stuff that has turned up on Earth, Krypton would have to have been a galaxy-sized planet. And why would humans be immune to Kryptonic radiation while the species who evolved there get laid out by the local rocks? It makes no sense whatever. Far more likely is that Superman's parents, ashamed at having sired a dickless freak, simply blasted him off into space and tried again. In his heart of hearts, Superman knows this. Maybe he returned to Krypton once and hated it. Not only was he nothing special there, he was notable only for having no dick.

    That Investigative Reporter Lois Lane hasn't figured this out is unsurprising, given that she is stupid enough to be fooled by Superman's cunning "glasses and hat" disguise for so many years, but what about Genius SuperVillains like Lex Luther? My guess is that they have (regardless of how weakened Superman might be by Kryptonite, no one ever tries to hit him in the supergnads) but dare not mention it. Superman seldom kills his enemies, usually handing them over to "the authorities". Perhaps a villain taunted Superman once about his downstairs inadequacies when he thought he had him entrapped and, on escaping, Superman did something so unspeakably horrible to him in reprisal that the Metropolis criminal underworld still shiver when they talk about it years later in hushed whispers.

    So there you have it. Superman Is A Dick because He Has No Dick. And Krypton Persists, populated by happy well-hung descendents of Jor El. An intrinsically falsifiable hypothesis. But where in the canon is the counter evidence?
Dickley Dick (51Kbyte)

    2007 Postscript My attention has lately been drawn to this panel but I think it is pretty clear what is happening here. Superman has shoved Clark Kent's socks down his trunks to round out his absent credentials, and is challenging the artist to record his sudden new manliness in a team panel. None of his costumed comrades know what to say or where to look but their faces speak volumes. And as for making that poor little guy stand directly beside his phoney baloney to make it look even bigger, well I'd hang my head in shame too.



Text Copyright (c) Ian Bell 2005

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